I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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