Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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