so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
