just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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