I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize