God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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