moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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