need another drink. this is the easiest way
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
