Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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