it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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