Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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