I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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