better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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