The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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