what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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