I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
