Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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