On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
