We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
