I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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