apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
