The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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