toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize