yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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