We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
