why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
