This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
