I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
