The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
