so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
