Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
