chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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