my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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