I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
