He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
NoShamevember. You game?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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