Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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