My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
