He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
