You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
