Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
