I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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