Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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