i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
