i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
