Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
