did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
