just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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