it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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