I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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