I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
