You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
