I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
