tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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