I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
