oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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