This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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