i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
