Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
