This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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