Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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