Don't make out with my wife yet
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Terrible idea I love it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
