anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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