If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
