Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
