be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
