WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your penis caused this!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
