woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
