If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
